 I am Messy Warrior.
Emerging from the woods. Sticks in my snarled hair. Thorns in my back. A huge, wicked grin on my face. My eyes glinting with chaos. My heart beating with aliveness, And the kind of wisdom that only comes from going deep into the Dark Woods, From the Growth that takes place in Silence, in Hiding, Without fresh flashy blooms or the recognition of the outside world. The Deepening of Wisdom that only can be reached by the strongest and most persistent of Roots, Penetrating deep into the soil, past the rock, Feeling their way to nourishment, In the moist darkness Beneath the surface. Dirt and loam and constrictive pressure. Am I buried alive or am I Expanding beyond any limits once perceived? How will I survive down here? Am I all alone in the Darkness? I fight in a panic to find the sunlight, To reach the surface, But the depths of the soil are unrelenting. I am forced to submit, To surrender into the Dirt, Into the Uncertainty. For a moment I think all is gone I am lost in the abyss. And yet, In that exact moment of pure surrender, Of releasing the struggle, I have become Infinite. I have become Source. Not the flashy source of bank accounts and brand new cars And deeds of ownership But the Infinite Source From whence we all came The source of stardust and The miracle of life being born from nothingness. In letting myself submerge into the abyss, My cells decaying into the soil, My form decomposing into nothing, I have somehow become Everything. I no longer follow rules of Symmetry or Polish. My Beauty is Dirty and Unacceptable by the measuring eyes above the surface. And yet I dare To Emerge in this State. To Break through into the Light. Raw and exposed. Not fully formed or ready. Messy, unruly With the Freedom that comes only from losing it all and Gaining Everything. From Touching God. From merging into the Earth. I am both out of control and all-controlling Out of my Mess, the Universe is Born. I dare to be seen: Messy Warrior. Unfixable, unsolvable, Uncomfortable to look at. Threatening to the Polished ones- still grasping on, Still holding tight to their façade of control. All of them Messy Warriors behind closed doors, In their Grief, in their loneliness, In their terrifying Love and Ecstasy, Longing to be seen in their Uncontrollable Mess. Longing to be loved without the condition Of Polish. Longing to be nourished and fed and Fully Expressed. I am Messy Warrior. You are Messy Warrior. Let us Emerge and dance untethered in The Light of Day, Dust flying off of us as we twirl and sway, Moving awkwardly and off-rhythm. Feeling the Heartbeat of the Earth pulsing through us, Messy and overgrown and Fully Alive. Shaking loose the false structures around us, The fears and facades crumbling around us. We are Messy Warriors We are birthed from the Destruction, Our Rawness is Revealed In the Light of Day. We have emerged, Wild and laughing wickedly. The Infinite in our gaze, Clear and piercing through the dirty haze. *** WARRIOR SCHOOL 5.0 is launching this Wednesday, 5/3rd, smack between Beltane and the Full Moon in Scorpio and lunar eclipse. This cohort is not perfect by any means. It’s messy. And yet, it's already the most life-changing and transformative cohort yet. It has been working me for months now, calling me forth to do the work, to be seen in what I preach, to be the RAW I talk about when you flip the word WAR upside down. Woah. And she’s sexy, this Cohort. She is lightening in a bottle of deep blue water. Electric, titillating and a little terrifying. Are you ready? Messy Warrior doesn’t care if you’re not ready. She says jump in. Register here. Loving you all messy and hard, Tina xoxo
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I AM Devoted & Abundant WARRIOR: Honoring the Feminine through our Relationship with Money11/13/2022  As I’ve navigated the “healing cave” the past two months, without being able to work as much as I’m used to, I’ve had a lot of time to contemplate my own relationship with money. For someone in the spiritual world, I’ve learned extensively about Abundance consciousness, how to manifest money and things, how not to go into scarcity, and how to keep myself magnetic and at a higher energetic state. All of this is beautiful AND I’m realizing it’s not the full Truth of the matter. Abundance vs. Bypass Manifesting Abundance in our lives, and the way it’s often portrayed in the spiritual and coaching world, can often drift into the world of spiritual bypass. Spiritual bypass is when we skip over the hard or difficult truth and essentially pretend it’s not there in order to feel the good feelings of “love and light.” It’s essentially skipping the hard work of the yoga class to get to the dessert of savasana (or spreading frosting on a cupcake made of shit to make it look nice from the outside). You pick your metaphor. ;) At its worst, spiritual bypass, plays out on the world stage as white people pretending that racism no longer exists and wanting to skip to the “we’re all connected and one” place without doing the work to get there. Or it can look like many of us pretending that climate change doesn’t exist because it feels too overwhelming to do the work needed to take true responsibility for our Earth. When it comes to money and Abundance, I’ve been feeling that we may be bypassing some hard truths in the name of not coming from a “scarcity mindset.” Abundance vs. Consumerism The Truth is that an important part of spirituality and Abundance consciousness includes the Earthy acts of discipline and DEVOTION to our Higher Selves. Part of clearing out scarcity mentality from our cells includes looking into the uncomfortable parts of us: maybe the parts that don’t want to truly look at our finances and face the fact that we’re spending more than we’re making; or the parts that don’t want to admit that when we’re feeling sad or lonely, we tend to hit the “order” button on Amazon (or shopping site of choice) in order to fill our emotional holes. #beentheredonethat ;) The Truth is that when we feed our emotional voids with that hit of dopamine that comes with opening a new package in the mail (especially when that package was made in a way that does not honor Mother Earth or its inhabitants), we are not embracing true Abundance. Saying yes to buying something that isn’t a 100% yes in our bodies just to distract ourselves from the discomfort of quiet time, is an act of fear and scarcity, not Abundance. It’s actually us acting unconsciously from the patriarchal consumerism being pumped through our cells at lightening speed. Our beliefs that spending lots of money at fancy coffee shops or fill-in-the-blank restaurants or wearing certain brands has anything to do with our worth as a human are actually just lies. I have been guilty of all of these things and more. Lately I’ve had the time (albeit uncomfortable time) to go within and really deconstruct some of the patriarchal money habits within me. The spending habits that are not serving me in a sustainable way. I’ve gotten really good at manifesting Abundance and not going into debt, but I realized I’ve been (in the past) spending every dollar I manifest and not saving for my future. The Truth is our worth and Source is infinite and inherent and has nothing to do with how many things we buy. The Truth is honoring ourselves and our future is a way of honoring the Elder versions of ourselves, the sustainability of our Earth, and the Feminine. Abundance & Joyful Discipline I used to think I sucked at things like consistency, commitment and follow through. The word “discipline” made me cringe. I would buy all sorts of things: books, online courses, clothes, etc. that I wouldn’t start, finish, or even wear. There was no follow through. Or I thought I just wasn’t “good at it.” Then I learned the term “Joyful Discipline” from my professors at the University of Santa Monica. Finding JOY and fulfillment in taking consistent and committed action steps. Very Mama Earth energy. Very sustainable. And guess what—it’s actually what leads to TRUE FREEDOM. Joyful Discipline and commitment (which feel in my body like fulfillment, groundedness and empowerment) do not equal scarcity consciousness (which feel in my body like fear, worry, and scatteredness). Quite the opposite: Joyful Discipline and Commitment are the true and integrous foundation to the Freedom of Abundance. Abundance & Devotion It turned out that I actually was very capable at follow through and consistency, and healthy boundaries with others and myself, when I had a compelling purpose or North Star that those steps were in service of. This is where Devotion comes in. To me, Devotion is LOVE and commitment in Service of a higher purpose. It is taking love-guided action steps towards a North Star or higher goal of some sort. What is that North Star? Maybe it’s showing commitment and taking daily and consistent action as a caregiver towards the recovery of a loved one (or yourself) when experiencing a health challenge or diagnosis. Maybe it’s saying no to unhealthy foods and activities while you’re pregnant, in service of birthing a healthy baby. Maybe it’s starting to honor and commit to yourself by reigning in your spending habits in order to honor yourself and save for your future; in order to ensure that you are sustained, and able to healthily and happily serve your purpose in this world, for the long haul. On my own Abundance journey, I have learned that being in healthy relationship with money is similar to being in healthy relationship with our loved ones or even our bodies. That similar to how we can devote time and energy into our relationships or our health through reading books, going to therapy, creating boundaries around date nights, eating habits, etc.; we can put time and effort into learning about money, looking at our money situation, and being intentional and devoted in how we are stewards of that money. All of these forms of devotion pay off in spades, in service of the growth of our love, health and our Abundance. That energy that we devote comes back to us multiplied, as our money, bodies and loved ones know they can trust how we’ll care for them. How we honor our money, our bodies, each other, and Mother Earth are all forms of us truly honoring the Divine Feminine. And when the Feminine is honored, respected and her needs are being met, look the F- out. She is powerful, infinite, and Abundant AF. And she is the most pure form of generosity. Respect and honor the Feminine, and you will experience true Abundance. Trade in that patriarchal and consumerist-driven dopamine hit, for the long-term fulfillment of devotion and sustainability. Your body, our earth, and your future self will thank you. *Let us all bow down to the Feminine and the Abundance of Mother Earth. Let us anchor the Divine Feminine in this world with reverence, respect and DEVOTION. And so it is.* Loving you hard with Devotion & Abundance, Tina xoxo p.s. The next round of the 40-day Abundance meditation group is launching on the New Moon in Sagittarius: November 23, 2022 and our collective intention and theme will be: Abundance and Devotion! If you are called to join this nourishing container as we meditate for 15-20 minutes per day for 40 days straight on a daily Abundance mantra, send me a note here to receive more details and register. Doors close to this container on 11/22nd at 12pmET. Investment is $44 or $22 for Warrior Grads. We got this, together. xoxo Resources & Where to go from here: Here are some journal prompts for you to start with in your own Abundance & Devotion journey: What is your North Star? What higher calling or purpose (big or little) are you in service of and willing to devote your energy and money towards? What do you see when you look closely at your relationship with money? How are you stewarding that money? How are you using it to respect yourself, present and future? What does the energy of Devotion feel like in your body? Abundance? What are some of the daily, consistent action steps you can commit to in devotion to your own health and wholeness, or your North Star? What boundaries can you set/ what can you say “no” to in service of the bigger “YES” of your sustainability, fulfillment and service in this world? How can your money be an energetic expression of that devotion? Here are some references on the topic if you’re inspired to look further (also linked to above):
 Testimonial from the 40-day Abundance meditation group experience. See above to join this round launching 11/23/2022.  I find as I do my work in this world, the Universe constantly calls on me to walk my talk. My top value next to Authenticity is INTEGRITY, and values aren’t just meant to be talked about, they’re meant to be lived.
This week is the two year anniversary of the first-ever class of WARRIOR SCHOOL. It was 2020. The world was turned upside down. And on a Wednesday evening, fourteen women gathered on zoom to take a leap of faith into the unknown, together. Two years and 43 WARRIOR Grads later, I have been in awe of the caliber of women leaders, advocates and activists that have been called in like magnets to this work. They showed up, hearts open, real and raw and filled with humor and strength. We laughed together at the common misunderstandings and judgments we all had been holding around topics such as leading with our hearts open, healthy boundaries, using our authentic voice, expressing and using our anger, and navigating conflict. One of the most powerful classes is always on RECEIVING (in the Earth and Body unit). I cry as I write this as I feel deeply the historical, oppressive, and societal layers to this topic. It is NOT just a one and done class. It is a lifetime of learning (at least for me and many other women). Truly opening to receive love, support, help, acknowledgments, sisterhood, pleasure. Can you feel the enormity of this topic? Just as with Mother Earth and the Feminine, it is layered, complex and deep. It takes bravery to even look at the fear, trauma and patterns that have piled over our ability to open and let in the good. It’s been a full 9 year cycle since I began my spiritual and physical healing journey. In that time, I have experienced lots of tears, lots of fear and lots of courage. I have navigated and completed toxic relationships, and done lots and lots of deep forgiveness work. 7 years ago, I was on top of the world, just finishing my master’s degree in Spiritual Psychology from University of Santa Monica and jazzed up to fulfill my dream of moving to Los Angeles from my hometown of Buffalo. On a Friday night (the day of the Divine Feminine it turns out), I was rear ended by an elderly woman who kept her foot on the gas instead of breaking. She hit me 3 times until I crashed into the car in front of me. It was the rollercoaster ride from hell. I thought I was going to die. My car was totaled. I ended up with neck and back injuries and a brain injury that kept me out of work for 6 months. For the past seven years, I have courageously navigated that healing journey spiritually, emotionally, mentally and physically. I have gone to hundreds of doctors and healer appointments. I had gotten myself to a point where I could support myself and live a lovely life, even if I had to say no to a lot of things I love doing so as not to trigger my brain symptoms and end up with nausea, dizziness, headaches and deep fatigue. This injury would literally throw me on my ass if I went too hard (or even took the wrong gentle yoga class). In August, I went to Dollywood (Dolly Parton’s amusement park!) for the first time since moving to Eastern Tennessee. I went on a kids ride. I laughed and screamed and loved it. It triggered my shit. For the past month and a half (the entirety of Mercury Retrograde), I have been in bed with headaches, light sensitivity, nausea and fatigue. I have slowly been getting my energy back and coaching again (now on the old school telephone b/c zoom has been making me nauseous). Why am I sharing all of this? Because it is one thing to learn to receive on a surface level. I have gotten much better at receiving compliments, gifts, etc. without too much guilt or “you shouldn’t haves.” But when it comes to literally being so out of it you cannot advocate for yourself at the doctor’s office and your sister has to step up on your behalf (like the Warrior that she is), that is an entirely different level of receiving. The kind of receiving where you can’t carry your own bag of groceries up the three flights of stairs to your apartment and your sister has to do it for you. Where you have to ask your clients to hang on for a month and half while you heal without any set return date. This may not sound like a lot, but to a recovering Miss Independent like myself, it’s terrifying. When our identities are comingled with being able to do everything ourselves, support ourselves, travel alone, stand up and be brave, and lead alone. As a society, we have made being a leader a very lonely place. Truly receiving is vulnerable AF. It can be terrifying and it requires true Surrender. Surrendering to something bigger, having faith and trust in yourself, in others and in God, and actually letting your hands off the wheel of what can feel like the rollercoaster ride from hell. For leaders and Miss Independents like me, this can feel like torture. This is why I call it being a WARRIOR. Truly having your heart (and body) open and allowing in support when needed is NOT for the faint of heart. And it’s why we’re here. You cannot be an effective leader without help. You just can’t. So sweet pea, if you are still reading this, I want you to know something. You are being supported, always and in all ways. You are worthy and loved, even if you need extra help in this period of your life. Your lovability is not conditional on being able to do everything yourself. Do you hear me? It’s true. I promise. And I’m learning it right alongside you, my love. Learning to receive and surrender does not always look like dressing up in sexy lingerie and having tantric moon dances (although sometimes it does! lol). Sometimes it looks like being at your lowest, in your pajamas, not having showered, and letting your loved one come in and remind you that you are loved, even like this, and there is hope. You are a Warrior, my love. It’s not always sexy, but it’s who you are. Thank you for continuing to step up each day. Don’t forget to let them help you. You are worth it, I promise. Loving you hard with an open Warrior heart and tears streaming, Tina xoxo  As of Thursday, I only had two Warriors registered for this 4th Season of WARRIOR SCHOOL (launching tomorrow!!). I was overwhelmed with frustration and a bit of grief. WTF?!! Was the Universe telling me it wasn't meant to be this round? I am open to this as a possibility and trust in the divine, but WTF?? I could FEEL the energy of this round of Warriors-- the EARTH MAMA vibes were palpable. I could feel their mix of sassy and practical, powerful and magical, and sensual AF. But where were they??  My sister called and I burst into tears. My period had come HARD CORE that morning and it felt like an energetic and emotional dam had opened up. What should I do? I told her how I KNOW Mother Earth is in charge of this round of Warriors. I felt an urge to go into nature and make an offering to Mama Earth. To SURRENDER my ego's desires to have a certain number of registrations by a certain date. To REMEMBER that Mother Earth does NOT like to be rushed. There is no such thing as forcing or pressuring a seed to bust through the surface of the earth and bloom in the sun. F*ck. Once again I have to walk my damn talk. Once again WARRIOR SCHOOL is schooling me. I remembered one of our guest facilitators, Anabel Vizcarra, sharing years ago about a woman's menstrual blood being sacred and related to the Mother Earth cycles. I felt called to go into the woods, give some of my blood, some red wine, and the ashes from the free form writing I had burned with my frustrations that morning to Mama Earth, with a beautiful mandala of flowers around it. My sister was all in. Why? Because she's an F-ing Warrior that's why. She is magic and devoted. She "just happened" to have some blood red roses that were ready to be given back to the earth. The day before I had gotten my nails done with shades of green and a pentagram star painted on my third nail. This symbol was coming forward strongly for this cohort of Warriors. My ego laughed skeptically at the idea of feeling the energy of the powerful cohort that DIDN'T YET EXIST. Ugh. But what type of container does someone put her blood in? Ashes in? Wine in? "Oh yes! I have that tupperware container I saved from takeout last week!" I went into the cupboard to retrieve the tupperware. I went to open it and my mouth dropped open: there was a symbol etched into the plastic on the lid-- a pentagram star with a circle around it (see photo as I still don't fully believe it myself!). I laughed. Am I just hallucinating and losing my mind with all of this?? My sister and I went into the beautiful woods where we've gone many times before. I brought my takeout container of ash/blood/wine mix (this is sounding very biblical!! ;)), some flowers that were ready to decompose, and my sister brought the red rose petals from her bouquet. She said, "I feel like you should make a pentagram with sticks." I did, and arranged the flowers around it and sprinkled the deep red rose petals all around it in the shape of a circle. I said a little prayer to Mother Earth, "Please show us what you need and help us to treat you better. Please help us anchor the Divine Feminine onto this Earth." I then poured my takeout mixture-- which now looked like charcoal water-- into the center of the pentagram star. It seeped into the Earth and I imagined all of my pain actually fertilizing the soil for the blooms to come. My sister had one rose left in her bag-- it was a perfect bud (the rest were all individual petals). I placed that blood red rose bud in the center of the pentagram, on top of where I poured my offering. We went on our way. I let go. I trusted. I remembered that Mother Earth blooms in her own timing. I surrendered to her. The next day (Friday-- five days before the launch of Warrior School) I woke up feeling brand new. My energy had shifted. I was ready to be seen. I had an IG live interview with the amazing Christie Mann (another guest facilitator for Warrior School!) in which I felt like my purpose and vision were channeling through my words; I held a New Moon Visioning session and channeled a Mother Earth meditation that was powerful AF (and was honored to have two of our guest facilitators attend- Renee Benmeleh and Madeline Giles!); I had a sample session with a potential new coaching client who said YES. By the end of the day, I had 7 Warriors registered. Over the weekend, I enjoyed myself. On the New Moon in Taurus, I attend a Beltane Blessing and Angelic Breath Healing offering by the amazing Madeline Giles. On Sunday morning, Beltane, I meditated outside with the sunrise as I listened to the lush chirping of the birds and croaks of the frogs. I watched as the sky opened up and rain came down. It was fertile and alive. By the end of the day Monday, I had 9 Warriors registered (my minimum to run the cohort was 8!). Today is Tuesday. We launch tomorrow. I am in full Trust that Mother Earth is bringing me the exact women that are needed for this magical and powerful circle. Will it be 9? Will it be 10 or 12? I know it will be perfect, and I am humbled by them already. Why do I share this with you? Because as much as our logical minds and the patriarchal and white supremacist culture wants us to forget, we are tapped into deep and infinite sources of power, wisdom, and SOURCE within us. Through our bodies, our hearts, our higher minds and our spirits. You have the Universe within you. You are held and supported. You can trust the timing of whatever you’re feeling into and going through. I am humbled by Mother Earth and by the circle of Warriors emerging. I am honored to do this work. And my human self is STOKED (I never use that word!) to play with this cohort and watch as the Divine Feminine is UNLEASHED, yet again. With Bright Green Leaves, Bumble Bees, and Butterflies, Tina xoxo  For years now I have had this strange and powerful calling towards being a “Warrior.” On Martin Luther King, Jr. Day in 2018, I channeled the vision for Women Advocates Rising or “WAR” and realized when flipped on its head it spelled “RAW.” I strongly believe that being vulnerable, being raw, is the truest form of courage, of being a true Warrior. I have had vivid dreams of Women Warriors of past giving me messages for my leadership. During meditation, I have received clear messages of my purpose in this lifetime: I AM the Warrior Woman that Calls Forth Aliveness in Humanity. But what the hell does this mean in the context of our current lifetime, living and working in the privileged existence that many of us have? How dare I call myself a Warrior when all my needs are met in every way and when actual war is taking place in our world? As we are confronted with vivid images barraging us of women and children fleeing their country by foot with nothing more than the clothes on their backs, it is calling me into a deepening of what it means to lead WARRIOR SCHOOL and this movement of empowering women leaders and advocates to rise and embrace their feminine leadership, to embrace their Inner Warriors. These news stories make me weep with a deep grief. They call me to look at our current world and wonder: where the hell are we? How far have we really come? Depending where you are in our world, you can see current stories of an entire range of time all at once, like thousands of years are all spanning within the now. Some of us sitting in our privileged worlds, our cushy homes, on our strong internet, numbing our minutes with scrolling and wondering what we want in this lifetime. Others focused solely on the safety of themselves and their children, on having food to eat and shelter to keep them safe, on not being killed. When I look out my window at the beautiful sun shining and hear the birds chirping cheerfully, it’s such a contrast to these images of war on the other side of the world, and even to the impoverished reality many face in my own country. And I am equally aware that this sort of suffering in our human race is not new. War, survival, greed, and the infiltration of the patriarchy and white supremacy has been operating sneakily even in the most privileged corners of the world. This is not the first war in our lifetime and it likely won’t be the last. We are being faced with opening to and holding the tension of extreme PARADOX in our human existence. Our egos do not like this. Our egos want to compartmentalize our existence into neat boxes or buckets of “wrong or right”, “good or bad”, “black or white”, “light or dark.” The extremely uncomfortable truth is we are all of those buckets and every shade of grey in between. We are the victim and the aggressor, we are the joyful and the depressed, we are the generous and the greedy, we are the conquered and the conqueror. So when you find yourselves reading the news headlines and judging and blaming Putin or Trump or Covid or fill in the blank “bad guy” of the day, you are also judging yourself. Because everything on the outside is always mirroring what’s happening within. Of course, feel pissed and take action when injustice takes place, your anger is important. AND know that it’s never as simple as we want to believe. We search for ways to find the difference between the Putins, the Trumps, the Covids and who we are. We couldn’t possibly do such atrocities. What the hell is wrong with them? If I just hate them and bitch about them, than I am safe from my own darkness or “badness.” The truth is we also do this within our own lives, families and even within ourselves. Who is the current Putin or Covid in your own life? Is it your asshole boss or your impossible parent? Who am I currently making the bad guy that I can blame for all of my internal strife, all of my suffering? So how do we operate in this world without giving up and giving in, without curling up in fetal position and never leaving the soft covers of our beds (if we’re blessed with them)? How do we step up as the Warriors that we are and take responsibility for our short time on this Earth, for being of service in this world? If time is not real and outside is a mirror of the inside, we must start by looking within and fighting the wars that are raging within us. We must not succumb to the patriarchy, to the colonialism within us, to our Inner Conquerers. If we are privileged enough to not have to fight in a physical war, then we must contribute by clearing out and healing the wars within us. Even if I’m surrounded by no immediate “threats,” what are the threats or voices within me that will take me down if I let them? What are the fear voices? The blame voices? The one that tries to seduce me with “what’s the point, it’s all a shit show anyway?” or “you clearly aren’t important or useful, you’re just fooling yourself.” Being a Warrior means stepping up through fear or challenges on behalf of something you believe in, something you’re willing to fight for, something or someone you know is worth it. What is that something or someone for you? Being a Warrior means suffering through child birth for the sake of your baby’s life, it means cramping and bleeding and still showing up to that zoom call to lead because you believe in your vision and the people you serve, it means letting the fire of the pain and suffering of life heat you and melt you and burn you into a more discerning version of yourself. One that knows what is truly important, one that doesn’t waste time on nonsense, one that easily sets healthy boundaries and will not tolerate the seduction of fear so that they can lead and fight on behalf of love. The wars that occur are not just ones where villages are bombed and conquered. There are wars constantly at play on every level- the physical, mental, emotional and spiritual, within us and without us. Here are five ways to embrace your Inner Warrior in times of actual war:
We need you, and you got this. With fierce loving, honor and respect, Tina xoxo  Below is my latest survival guide for how to navigate our current reality with some semblance of sanity, health, joy and still being of service to our world when it’s needed most. |
