 I find as I do my work in this world, the Universe constantly calls on me to walk my talk. My top value next to Authenticity is INTEGRITY, and values aren’t just meant to be talked about, they’re meant to be lived.
This week is the two year anniversary of the first-ever class of WARRIOR SCHOOL. It was 2020. The world was turned upside down. And on a Wednesday evening, fourteen women gathered on zoom to take a leap of faith into the unknown, together. Two years and 43 WARRIOR Grads later, I have been in awe of the caliber of women leaders, advocates and activists that have been called in like magnets to this work. They showed up, hearts open, real and raw and filled with humor and strength. We laughed together at the common misunderstandings and judgments we all had been holding around topics such as leading with our hearts open, healthy boundaries, using our authentic voice, expressing and using our anger, and navigating conflict. One of the most powerful classes is always on RECEIVING (in the Earth and Body unit). I cry as I write this as I feel deeply the historical, oppressive, and societal layers to this topic. It is NOT just a one and done class. It is a lifetime of learning (at least for me and many other women). Truly opening to receive love, support, help, acknowledgments, sisterhood, pleasure. Can you feel the enormity of this topic? Just as with Mother Earth and the Feminine, it is layered, complex and deep. It takes bravery to even look at the fear, trauma and patterns that have piled over our ability to open and let in the good. It’s been a full 9 year cycle since I began my spiritual and physical healing journey. In that time, I have experienced lots of tears, lots of fear and lots of courage. I have navigated and completed toxic relationships, and done lots and lots of deep forgiveness work. 7 years ago, I was on top of the world, just finishing my master’s degree in Spiritual Psychology from University of Santa Monica and jazzed up to fulfill my dream of moving to Los Angeles from my hometown of Buffalo. On a Friday night (the day of the Divine Feminine it turns out), I was rear ended by an elderly woman who kept her foot on the gas instead of breaking. She hit me 3 times until I crashed into the car in front of me. It was the rollercoaster ride from hell. I thought I was going to die. My car was totaled. I ended up with neck and back injuries and a brain injury that kept me out of work for 6 months. For the past seven years, I have courageously navigated that healing journey spiritually, emotionally, mentally and physically. I have gone to hundreds of doctors and healer appointments. I had gotten myself to a point where I could support myself and live a lovely life, even if I had to say no to a lot of things I love doing so as not to trigger my brain symptoms and end up with nausea, dizziness, headaches and deep fatigue. This injury would literally throw me on my ass if I went too hard (or even took the wrong gentle yoga class). In August, I went to Dollywood (Dolly Parton’s amusement park!) for the first time since moving to Eastern Tennessee. I went on a kids ride. I laughed and screamed and loved it. It triggered my shit. For the past month and a half (the entirety of Mercury Retrograde), I have been in bed with headaches, light sensitivity, nausea and fatigue. I have slowly been getting my energy back and coaching again (now on the old school telephone b/c zoom has been making me nauseous). Why am I sharing all of this? Because it is one thing to learn to receive on a surface level. I have gotten much better at receiving compliments, gifts, etc. without too much guilt or “you shouldn’t haves.” But when it comes to literally being so out of it you cannot advocate for yourself at the doctor’s office and your sister has to step up on your behalf (like the Warrior that she is), that is an entirely different level of receiving. The kind of receiving where you can’t carry your own bag of groceries up the three flights of stairs to your apartment and your sister has to do it for you. Where you have to ask your clients to hang on for a month and half while you heal without any set return date. This may not sound like a lot, but to a recovering Miss Independent like myself, it’s terrifying. When our identities are comingled with being able to do everything ourselves, support ourselves, travel alone, stand up and be brave, and lead alone. As a society, we have made being a leader a very lonely place. Truly receiving is vulnerable AF. It can be terrifying and it requires true Surrender. Surrendering to something bigger, having faith and trust in yourself, in others and in God, and actually letting your hands off the wheel of what can feel like the rollercoaster ride from hell. For leaders and Miss Independents like me, this can feel like torture. This is why I call it being a WARRIOR. Truly having your heart (and body) open and allowing in support when needed is NOT for the faint of heart. And it’s why we’re here. You cannot be an effective leader without help. You just can’t. So sweet pea, if you are still reading this, I want you to know something. You are being supported, always and in all ways. You are worthy and loved, even if you need extra help in this period of your life. Your lovability is not conditional on being able to do everything yourself. Do you hear me? It’s true. I promise. And I’m learning it right alongside you, my love. Learning to receive and surrender does not always look like dressing up in sexy lingerie and having tantric moon dances (although sometimes it does! lol). Sometimes it looks like being at your lowest, in your pajamas, not having showered, and letting your loved one come in and remind you that you are loved, even like this, and there is hope. You are a Warrior, my love. It’s not always sexy, but it’s who you are. Thank you for continuing to step up each day. Don’t forget to let them help you. You are worth it, I promise. Loving you hard with an open Warrior heart and tears streaming, Tina xoxo
11 Comments
|