Beauty in the Beast

This week at spiritual psychology school I learned something about myself that I want to share with all of you.  If you're anything like me, it might help you to be a little nicer to yourself. :)

During class this week, we did our usual “trios” where we’re paired with two other students:  one of us acts as the client, one as the counselor/facilitator and one as a neutral observer.  As the facilitator we practice the skills we learn in school to help guide the client towards resolving an issue they’re having in their life by releasing any negative judgments they have against themselves or others and finding a more positive, loving and peaceful way of navigating the situation. 

Although we were working the same process that we do every other month, this time was different for me.  This time I uncovered the fact that I had been looking at myself as a “beast” in many of my relationships and interactions in life.  I had been judging myself as overly aggressive, argumentative, and generally not a good woman because of it.  As an attorney, these traits had seemed to serve me well professionally, but taking them home into relationships always left the other person feeling attacked and me feeling really sh*tty about myself.     

In the past, I would refer to myself as a “beast” when I acted like this and deep down felt like I was the “bad guy” in my relationships.  That felt so incredibly awful because, even deeper down, I knew that I was a good person and never intentionally trying to hurt anyone.  I would oftentimes act this way in an effort to stand up against a perceived injustice of some sort—either on behalf of myself or someone else. 

Then I would look at other people who I considered calmer, quieter, and gentler than me and think they were better than I am.  That they were nicer and “good,” and I was louder and “bad.” 

What I realized this week is that under any negative behavior or feeling, there is always a positive, loving intention at its core.  If we dig deeper underneath any anger, there is always sadness of some sort.  We only get angry if we feel hurt in some way—either about ourselves or someone else.  Then if we dig even deeper under the anger and the sadness, there is always love.  After all, we only get angry if we care about the issue or the person we’re getting angry about.  We care what the person thinks or we care to prevent an injustice. 

In other words we’re all just yearning to love and be loved and when we feel hurt or angry, it’s because we feel fundamentally unloved or unlovable in some way.

Looking at it this way helped me to see that there’s actually beauty underneath the beast.  Underneath me getting mad or upset or outspoken or loud about anything, is really just me wanting to stand up against an injustice and protect myself or someone else I feel is being treated unfairly.  That’s a beautiful intention and it turns out I’ve helped a lot of people over the years and inspired them to speak up on their own behalf as well. 

So instead of beating up the beast inside of me and kicking her out to the curb, I choose to love her and see the beauty in her.  And by doing so, she seems to magically transform from an angry beast into a loving beast—like a unicorn!  She is still powerful and strong, and she still cares about protecting others and herself, but she does it with love instead of anger.  And amazingly enough, she still gets sh*t done.  In the meantime, though, she just does not suck up so much energy beating up on herself and others.

Turns out I’m more likely to act beastly towards others when I’m acting beastly towards myself.

So although I am continuing to learn about myself and this crazy world of ours, it helps me to see that at my core, I am not a bad person.  And neither are any of you.  We’re all just doing the best that we can with what we have to work with. 

What part of you have you been judging as “bad” and wanting to get rid of?  What is that part of you really trying to accomplish at its core?  I bet it’s not really that bad after all. :)  I want to hear about it in the comments below!

Yours in Beauty and Magical Beasts,
Tina :)

“There was no difference, the beast and my love was the same.”  -Chelsey Johnson 

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